


Why Ranulf Is the Best Cat

by jonphaedrus



Category: Fire Emblem: Soen no Kiseki/Akatsuki no Megami | Fire Emblem Path of Radiance/Radiant Dawn
Genre: Gen, OOC, Winter Nagamas 2k14
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-13
Updated: 2015-01-13
Packaged: 2018-03-07 10:41:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3171768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jonphaedrus/pseuds/jonphaedrus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Why am I the best Cat?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why Ranulf Is the Best Cat

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Halberdier](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Halberdier/gifts).



Why Ranulf is the Best Cat

By Ranulf

 

Why am I the best Cat? Well, let’s be obvious, there are a lot of reasons that I am the best cat. First of all, let’s look at my obvious competition for the title. If we’re going to be simplistic and just look at Cats, I’m up against Lethe, Lyre, and Kysha. If we want to go bigger and include Mordecai, Kyza, and Muarim (who really aren’t great competition) and then we can bring in Caineghis, Skrimir, and Giffca. So, let’s be more fair and pit me against the full contingent, then. 

First: against my fellow Cats. Obviously, I am fastest and lightest, and my blue hair is so unique[1] it’s impossible to compare it against their (very nice, but ordinary) sandy brown and silver. Since I command all of them, in pure rank alone I am clearly ahead of the game, and I certainly won’t let them forget it. 

In the past week, I have counted to compare our basic facts. I have stretched eighty times, had thirty-five baths, and only one hairball. On hairballs alone I am beating the competition[2], but my clearly superior relaxation skills give me far more points and compel me above and beyond the competition[3]. They all should be taking notes from my book. Hard work ruins a beautiful coat, and keeping sleek and soft is very important. 

So, as you can clearly see, I am the most superior Cat of all Cats. I’m more capable at commanding and also at Catlike necessities than any of my fellows. Perhaps in Gallia proper there is a more capable Cat than I, and I would dare them to come forward so we can put our most important skills to the test so we can see who is _truly_ superior[4].

Let us go on next to Tigers. The differences are obvious, at least when it comes to combat. Tigers are so big and muscled, they are perfectly capable of being stronger than I am. I won’t even try to combat them on that subject, but they are all so slow that does it really matter?

Sure, they’re probably more capable of holding their own in a fight[5] but does that matter when they can’t dodge? Ah, the Tiger, capable of strong roars and always polite, but does politeness really mean quite as much when you could be clever and sharp[6]? No, I think we can all _clearly_ see the upside to being a Cat rather than a Tiger. Faster, smarter, etc.

Now, I will admit, I like Tigers. They’re a nice break from Cats. We all get so obsessed with competition and how well-groomed and good at our jobs that we are that we never just take the same kind of time that Tigers do to just being Tigers. So, good on them for being good at Tigers. But I am still the better Cat.

Now we come to the Lions. And obviously, it can be difficult to compare myself, a Cat, to the Lions. They’re bigger, stronger, live longer, and rule Gallia in ways that I don’t think any of the Cats ever could[7]. Our fine King is truly a magnificent example of Lionkind[8] and I won’t even try to compare myself to him. Caineghis is what all Feline Beast Laguz, whether or not we fall into smaller categories, should aim to be. He is the epitome of Felinekind.

Therefore, he doesn’t count for the purposes of this argument, because I can’t compete with that. So instead, let’s look at Giffca and Skrimir.

Giffca is almost as magnificent as Caineghis is. He cares equally well for his mane, is better at allocating time in his schedule to allow for the maximum amount of napping, which Caineghis isn’t good at. He practices his roars three times a day. I have seen him stretch, and truly, annals could be written about the thoroughness of every relaxed muscle.

However, he does have his failings. For example, Giffca is very bad at slipping through small spaces. He also takes things so seriously that I worry about its overall impact on his health. He even is picky about what he eats[9] and particular about dinnertimes, when we all know that dinner should be eaten at every possible opportunity even if dinner is for breakfast. He also can sometimes be lazy about grooming himself, but I can perhaps understand the desire to avoid Lion-tinged hairballs. These failings, however slight, show that he has room to grow before he can start competing with me in some very important categories, so I would say we are about even. 

Skrimir I easily defeat in all the important categories. Bathing: he is lazy and unkempt and never spends the appropriate amount of time on his toes or on his mane, leading to him looking like a mess. Napping: he puts far too much energy into getting things done, and keeps forgetting to take appropriate numbers of naps[10] which makes him grouchy and really, is just disgraceful. Fighting: he throws himself into things he can’t win and then gets angry when he loses, which is the exact opposite point of throwing yourself into a fight that you can’t win. Strength: I once saw Skrimir crush an entire bird in one hand, but if you try to get him to jump over stepping stones in a river he’ll slip. He really needs to work on his agility. Hunting: Skirmir hates hunting, and gets everyone else to do it for him[11].

 Skirmir needs to work on how lazy he is, or he’s never going to

 

 

 

 

Ike got the paper he was holding ripped out of his hands, and stared up at the man currently holding it. Ranulf was staring at him, all his hair standing on end and his ears bristling. If he’d been fully transformed, Ike was pretty sure he’d be puffed up like an offended dustmop. 

“Where did you get that,” Ranulf finally managed. He was growling while he said it, a low, unhappy rumble.

“I found it outside your tent,” Ike finally replied, jerking a thumb behind him. “It’s a very good list, I thought. You did studies and everything. I bet Soren would approve.” Soren always approved of stuff like that.

Ranulf kept staring at him, still growling and giving him a very unhappy look, until he wadded the paper up and shoved it into his shirt and stalked off, tail lashing. Ike watched him go, scratching his chin, bemused.

 Cats were very unpredictable.

 

* * *

 

[1] My grandfather was a Tiger you know, and my mother always tells me I was so lucky to get his beautiful mane, and truly, I agree. It’s so luscious.

[2] Lethe had three, Kysha had two, and Lyra had _five._ (Study of Cat Hairballs done by Ranulf the Cat)

[3] My coat is sparkling.

[4] Please mail all inquiries of Cat Competition to Gallia Palace, and address them to Chief Cat Ranulf.

[5] I dare any Tiger to take on Zelgius and come out of it as well as I did, so don’t even try and say that I can’t fight against uneven odds.

[6] I dare any Tiger to figure out that Zelgius and the Black Knight were the same person under the circumstances that I put it together.

[7] I think we would all kill each other before we ruled successfully.

[8] For one thing, his mane is _beautiful_ and very well cared for. He should give Skrimir some tips.

[9] Who turns down freshly-caught vole?

[10] In a week, Skirmir only took eighteen naps. (Study of Lion Naps done by Ranulf the Cat)

[11] Last week, I caught no less than eight mice for myself and Skirmir. He caught two.

**Author's Note:**

> this is both the dumbest and greatest thing ive ever written. unfortuntely it didn't end up as well-cited as i had hoped to make it, but i hope the footnotes are at least somewhat okay. i hope this fulfils the request of "three page cited mla essay on why ranulf is the best cat"
> 
> it is, indeed, three pages long.


End file.
